It didn’t take too many years on this spectacular sphere for me to realise that no matter how confident we are that we’re in control of our lives, change is inevitable. Sometimes those changes are self-initiated, sometimes they seem to fall upon us out of the clear blue sky.

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote anything, and that is because I’ve been experiencing quite a big life change. In the back of my mind these past few weeks I’ve been contemplating the many different angles with which I could approach writing about this experience. There is so much to say about change…

In fact, when I first left my life in Japan, I wrote a song about it! Recorded late at night in my bedroom circa 2005…

Anyway, about two months ago I applied for a job in Auckland. One long interview process and a month later, I found out I had gotten it. I lived an eight hour drive away, in Wellington. Within three weeks I sold all my furniture, transferred my lease, and moved. I left behind some very dear friends and family, who’d only just gotten used to having me back in the country. I’d only been in Wellington two years before I decided I was going to leave. A lot of people told me they admired my courage and said they’d never be able to pull off such a feat. I was aware that it also probably seemed a bit erratic – to barely have settled down before moving on again.

I’m normally a huge advocate of finding joy and presence wherever you may be. Living in the moment is, after all, the key to a happy life. So this change did not come easily to me. I wondered for a long time if perhaps I should just appreciate where I was at more – make peace with my situation. Indeed, I had much to be thankful for. Then I remembered that I’d done that once before…

I had wanted to leave my home in Montréal a good five years before I actually did it. I’d mostly managed to be mindful and content in my life there, but there was also a quiet sense of resentment and frustration building up inside of me. I felt undervalued and under-challenged in my job. I missed my family in New Zealand and I was angry that I didn’t make enough money to visit them more often. In a nutshell, no matter how much joy I felt in the present moment, underneath it all was a current of dissatisfaction.

I believe that niggling little feeling of a lack of appreciation, stagnation, and a need for growth, can either eat away at you until you become one of those bitter people who has done their job/lived the same exact life twenty years past the point of actually enjoying any of it; or it can provide you with fuel and motivation to change. I kept thinking that something would just happen for me in Montréal. I thought one day I would meet some wondrous and life-changing man, or a musical opportunity would somehow present itself. But year after year passed and very little actually changed. To quote an old but accurate saying: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” Right? So I’d been officially insane for a good long while.

This time I was determined not to be. I felt the same old feelings creeping up on me. I wasn’t satisfied in my job. I wasn’t satisfied with the dating pool either. In short, I felt like I was in a small town that held no future for me. For anyone who feels the same way, here are my suggestions:

Clarify what you want for yourself. Think about what you don’t want in order to know what you do want.

One of the main reasons it took me so long to leave Montréal is because I didn’t know what I wanted, or where I wanted to go. Even when I did finally move to NZ, I wasn’t sure about it. But I did know one very important thing – I wanted my family back. I didn’t want to miss them or miss out on activities with them anymore.

This time around, I knew I wanted a job that had more to offer me. I wanted to know there was a career path ahead, that I’d have support in studying, and rewards and remuneration. I wanted a high-tech work-place with a good team of people. I wanted a bigger city with more happening.

Once you know what you want, don’t ruminate, don’t worry, just do it! (Nike know what they’re talking about)

I went for it! I reached out to every contact I had, and applied for every job I could find. I was invited to a few interviews at places I knew would be no different to where I already was, and eventually, with time and patience, had an interview at the best school in the country with the absolute most to offer me. In short, to my great surprise, I got EXACTLY what I wanted! I was under-qualified for the position, but they saw my passion and desperate need for expansion, and they decided to invest in me.

How to deal with the fear

Change is never easy. I’ve done it a lot, so now I know that even though it’s hard, good things always come of it. My last days at my job in Wellington I was in tears, unable to manage everything I had to do. I was feeling alone and even guilty for abandoning people. I wanted to quit the whole thing many times. In fact, I’d wanted to quit mid job interview process! There were moments when it simply all felt too hard.

Our life experiences, and beliefs about them, reinforce themselves. If you have had a terrible experience with something, it’s unlikely you’ll want to repeat it; and if you do, it’s also likely you’ll manifest the same exact result. I can’t think of any life experience I’ve ever had that I would classify as purely terrible. I’m a glass-half-full girl. And as a result I am always able to focus on the positives. Therefore, I was quite willing to repeat the experience of another change, knowing it would somehow eventually turn out for the best.

Every time I’ve ever moved it has been sad and hard, followed by an incredible period of growth and new friends and love. It takes a long time to build friendships the same as those you’ve invested many years in. I’ve by no means come close to replacing my incredible friendships in Canada and America. But I also don’t feel I’ve lost anyone. As long as we have the means to travel we can always see each other again. And thanks to the wonders of modern technology we are able to stay in touch.

Most importantly, what I’ve learned by putting myself through so many external changes is that one thing is always constant – my relationship with my inner self. When you are comfortable in solitude and happy within, you always have yourself to turn to. I know how to comfort myself. I am able to laugh out loud, dance and sing and cry tears of joy with no one else around. Sounds crazy I know… but it’s so wonderful. When you are alone you also tend to reach out more – you meet new people you may not have otherwise met, you push yourself out of your comfort zone. You expand internally.

Fear is a totally understandable thing to feel in the face of new things, but it’s all in the way you look at it. I see fear as a part of the process of growth and a sign that good things are about to come! So walk right on through it! Feel the fear and do it anyway…. Believe it’s going to be good! Didn’t someone write a book about that?

When I farewelled Wellington, I left my hilarious and beloved family singing at me on the door step. I drove up the Kapiti coast and tears streamed down my face as I remembered many good times on the beaches there. It was sad. Then I saw a rainbow. Well that must be a sign, I thought. And my tears turned to a smile.

As I drove along the desert road, ahead were massive storm clouds shaped like tornados. To my left was Mount Ruapehu, a majestic volcano, with a ring of clouds around the top. Rainbows streamed through the clouds. I laughed out loud. I turned up the music and I sang joyfully. After a very long drive, as I finally approached Auckland, I saw rainbows again. The tears started again. Crying while driving is dangerous btw! This time though; tears of happiness. I was so proud of myself and I knew the universe was showing me over and over that I was on the right path. The rainbows continued – on my way to my new job the first morning, right over Auckland – and yet another one above my temporary home as I arrived back that day.

A few days ago, in a completely unrelated conversation, a friend was telling me about the big rainbow that had appeared over Wellington. All is right with the world then, I thought. Everything is as it should be, whether we understand it or not. I believe in signs, it’s only a matter of noticing them.

Change is hard, but it’s worth it. And I promise you, once you’ve taken the first steps in a direction your heart truly desires, the universe will support you. It is the law of nature. What you emit you receive. So ganbatte! (go for it!) as they say in Japanese.