Below you will find a story I wrote a few years ago. A story that resulted in one of my favourite songs. Beware… it’s a story with a twist…

TRAINS AND BRIDGES, BRIDGES AND TRAINS

In literature, bridges are often used as symbols. They represent a connection, resolution of differences, leaving behind old things for new things, even the path between life and death. Trains symbolise escape, adventure, freedom.

Both, to me, imply a sort of romance; the kind of romance that seems to happen only in books and movies.

The older we get, the more life experience can harden us. The concept of romance seems to exist only for other people, or not at all. I just can’t get into movies that are supposed to be plausible but simply aren’t. I mean who the hell are these guys that chase girls through airports, or miraculously fall in love with their fuck buddies?

If I had to pick a movie which does resonate with my inner romantic, it would be Before Sunrise. A young pair of travellers meet on a train in Europe and have one night of great conversation before they fly off to different countries the next morning. Much younger when I first saw it, and having followed the brutally realistic sequels, it seemed to be sort of romance that might actually be possible.

Still, twenty odd years later, such a story had certainly never manifested for me.

Until it did. Well sort of…

Travelling, for most of us, includes an inherent openness to new experiences. I was in exactly such a state. Previous to this I’d spent four months meditating, exercising, creating, focusing on myself, my family, and my own inner well-being. I’d decided that I needed check in with myself, no dating allowed, to be sure that I wasn’t expending too much energy thinking about men.

During this time it occurred to me that I also needed to check in with my best friends; friends who always make me feel like my best version of myself. These friends lived on the other side of the world in Austin, Texas.

My only expectation for the trip was to connect with them. I didn’t know what else I’d do in Austin, or even really give it any thought.

In my state of absolute flow, the trip turned out beyond what I ever could have imagined. Not only did I reconnect with my friends but I also met new people who seemed to be on the same exact wavelength. Opportunities for new music projects were popping up, and inspiration started to hit.

Two days before leaving, one of my friends, new to being single and dating, was asking my advice. I showed her Tinder. As she was browsing through the catalogue of men on my phone she thought it would be funny to choose someone for me.

“What about this guy?” She held up the picture.

“Sure, he’s cute. Whatever.” I said. Followed by squeals of delight from her when it came back a match.

“Oh god, haha” I rolled my eyes.

She then messaged him, continued to squeal, and threw the phone at me when he messaged back.

Honest to a fault, I felt a bit guilty and responded to him by telling him the situation – that it wasn’t me who had found him, it was my friend, and that I was leaving town in about twenty-four hours.

It didn’t seem to faze him at all, and he suggested we meet ASAP.

Surrounded by a group of people, all following the “drama”, I decided I couldn’t bail on them there and then. But not wanting to disappoint anyone, and kinda curious myself, I agreed to meet him the next evening.

So, my final night in Austin, exhausted, but blissfully content, my friends and I met the handsome young musician for a drink. I hadn’t even read his profile. I knew nothing about him at all. It was like reluctantly putting a quarter into a slot machine, expecting to lose but instead hitting the jackpot.

Now, I’m pretty accustomed to attractive men. I’ve known and fallen for a lot of them in my lifetime. Good-looks mean very little to me anymore. In fact, if anything, they mean the odds of the guy being a massive superficial douche are significantly increased. Same goes for musicians in general if I’m to be completely forthright.

So, although he was indeed very cute, I was skeptical, and it wasn’t until he suggested to my friend that she try meditating for her stress that I realized she might have picked him for reasons other than simply his appearance.

Pretty cool, but also pretty nuts to first meet at 10pm the night before my early morning flight out of town.

I gave the ladies the signal to get out of there and we left were alone. The first words out of his mouth were “I’m so attracted to you.”

I didn’t know what to say. I told him how I felt that we drew people to us based on our current state of being. He said that he thought my energy was really good. I said that I thought that his was too. We seemed to have a mutual sense of calm, comfort and ease.

We went into a random bar and started listening to a couple of guys play quintessential but original Texas blues-rock. As we sat side-by-side, our arms pressed together, listening to the music, occasionally discussing it in the way only two musicians would, I felt almost as if I’d known him my whole life. I wanted to get as close to him as I possibly could. We didn’t drink. No alcohol necessary.

When the band finished playing we continued to talk about music and I asked him if he would take me somewhere in his car so we could listen there.

He took me to a beautiful foot bridge.

On the way there we frantically exchanged all our favourite music. When we arrived we continued to sit for a while, just listening.

People who are crazy about music hear it in a slightly different way. We’re listening on multiple levels – for rhythms, harmonies, orchestration, instrumentation, phrasing, and, for me, lyrics too. When we listen to music we don’t usually want to talk at the same time. Most people don’t really get that. He did. So we listened then talked, and listened then talked. In particular discussing the impact of silence in a song. Very much in the same way it is focus on the silence between words that allows for a meditative and mindful state.

We talked about how music heals and he told me about his interest in music therapy, something I too had researched at length and considered practicing. We talked about how our newly found spiritual practices had drawn us away from negative movies and music. He seemed to be seeking the kind of balance I’d only recently found myself. We talked about how stressful life could be in a big city. Stress that I’d also recently escaped from in my own life by moving back to my homeland.

We talked about the magic of hearing your own music or seeing the place you live through the eyes of someone else. He was enjoying seeing Austin again through me.

We finally agreed to drag ourselves out of the car to walk on the bridge.

The bridge looked out over Austin city. Across the way was a railway bridge.

An old man was playing guitar while a couple were sitting listening to him intently.

I was overawed by the beautiful skyline, and situation in general. He started throwing more compliments at me. He told me he had wanted to kiss me the moment he first saw me, that he felt the attraction beyond just a physical level, and he knew I felt it too.

I was so blown away I didn’t know how to respond. I was at a complete loss. I wasn’t sure if I actually believed him. I couldn’t remember the last time a guy had been that enthusiastic about me. And if I’m honest, whoever that was, he’d probably been lying just to get me into bed. Somehow, I trusted him though, he seemed to be so overcome with emotions he couldn’t stop himself from expressing them. Something I relate to well.

A train went by. He remarked on how much he liked trains and asked if people take trains in New Zealand. His comment reminded me of Before Sunrise. I asked if he knew it and suggested that perhaps we might be living our own night like that one. He did, and he agreed.

When he finally kissed me it was flawless. My knees went weak. Yes, that does actually happen. A perfect kiss. A perfect moment. So perfect it made me uncomfortable, and I decided I had to bring his attention to how stupidly perfect it was. Thankfully, I was interrupted by the man playing guitar, who had put on his glasses. He shouted out “Dude! Your girlfriend is even more beautiful now that I have my glasses on!” We laughed and thanked him. Not that I could see how my beauty was any sort of credit to either of us. Perhaps he should have shouted his appreciation of my form to the universe instead.

Haha… “girlfriend” I thought. How lovely. Well, ok, I guess I can play that role for a few hours.

He offered to drive me to the airport the next morning, so we went back to his place. On the way there was more music. This time he shared his own stuff; the music he was writing. And a song he’d never shared with anyone, about finding happiness within himself because of a girl he’d fallen momentarily in love with who didn’t love him back. I immediately understood what he wanted to say through his song. His music was more technical than mine but still quite soulful, beautiful and calming. Very much like he was.

Then we listened to my music. Through his amazing speakers it sounded better than I’d ever heard it before. He reached out and took my hand, commented on various aspects of my song that he appreciated, and we agreed that it was the perfect song for that moment. It was about being present, inspired by my spiritual practices (Now).

When I walked into his bedroom I recognised myself – organised, neat, musical stuff everywhere, spiritual reminders, vitamins.

He was just like me. A teacher, a healer, a health conscious musician. Growing in consciousness day by day.

He was a Cancer, rising sign Capricorn. I am a Capricorn, rising sign Cancer. I don’t know what that means, but it seemed meaningful somehow.

As we drove to pick up my stuff then head to the airport the next morning, we watched the sun rise over Austin. The whole sky was red and hundreds of birds were lined up along the power lines. He noticed the sky and appreciated it. I noticed the birds. Our magical night was fated to continue right up until the moment we parted.

People are at their worst when they’re tired. Our brains function poorly, we’re impatient and unable to control our reactions.

But our calm and compatibility remained. He played me some of his band’s music, I gently told him I wanted to hear it but it was a bit too loud for that time of day, he responded “thanks for telling me” and changed it to something more peaceful.

I handed him snacks from my bag to keep him going, he placed his hand on my knee and asked if I was ok. When he had trouble finding the airport on the GPS he asked for help. I helped. No masculine pride, just genuine humility and kindness.

In our absolute worst possible states we communicated and functioned better as a team than many couples who’ve been together for years.

When we got to the airport we paused in the car for a few moments to exchange contact information. He thanked me for an amazing time. I wished him a great sleep, and he said he’d miss me. We kissed goodbye and he gave me the kind of hug that is reserved only for people you know you may never see again.

I floated onto the plane and immediately fell asleep.

PART TWO

I believed I had met my soulmate. I mean, I didn’t really want to admit that I believed such a naive fairytale, but hey, I’d heard many similar stories at people’s weddings…. so I decided to stay positive.

Many months went by. I wrote him this song and sent it to him.

He responded something along the lines of “Cool, thanks.”

He explained that he wasn’t much of a texter as he’d had an accident a few years back causing him a lot of pain in his shoulder and hands.

Nine months later, although I’d somewhat, sorta-kinda given up my dreams of soulmatedom, I decided to go back to see my Austin friends and make some music with the people I’d met there during the last trip, and you know… maybe see him too.

He was super happy to hear I was coming. My hope began to renew. He took time off work in order to be able to spend my first few days in Austin together. He offered to pick me up at the airport. As I didn’t much like the idea of him seeing me after twenty-five hours of flying, I declined, and instead he picked me up from my friend’s place later that night. His eyes lit up as soon as he saw me. The dream was alive again! Before I could say a word he pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

We went back to his new apartment. It appeared to be even more zen than the last. A meditation corner, an amazing music set up. He told me that of course I should stay with him while I was visiting, and I decided to try to divide my time between him and my friends. As he’d taken three days off work to spend with me I anticipated that those first three days would largely be spent with him.

But what do you know…. after most of my first twenty-four hours in Austin together, he was getting irritable and hadn’t so much as touched me the entire day. Meanwhile, I was relaxed and having fun going with the flow. We’d driven all over, walked everywhere, gone dancing at three different clubs. But he seemed to want to know what the plan was, and didn’t seem so comfortable with being out of his routines or having me around. He was suddenly not at all the guy who’d been so enamoured with me twenty-four hours earlier. I couldn’t imagine what I’d done to trigger such a dramatic shift in him.

We spent our second night together with our backs to each other. And I was heart-broken. The fact that I was heart-broken made me seem crazy to him. He divulged to me that he was a regular MDMA user and often had magical experiences like ours with girls, in fact multiple girls in various places around the world had been texting him all day… which also made him seem undesirable to me.

The next morning I left, went back to my friend’s place and fell into misery. I wondered how I’d been so stupid.

It took me a long time to forgive myself, and I spent the rest of my time in Austin meditating and singing through the pain. Thankfully, by the end, I managed to turn it around and my final week was truly amazing, in a large part thanks to genuinely beautiful and understanding friends.

Having fun with friends and playing a gorgeous piano in spite of it all…

I came to understand that I couldn’t have done anything differently, and nor could he. We’d both fallen head over heels for the person we genuinely wanted the other to be. And in his case, he just wasn’t ready for the step that comes after delusion and fantasy (which is how I’m pretty sure all relationships start.)

The experience left me permanently changed.  I stopped all the law of attraction meditations I’d been doing, and I blamed my unwavering positive outlook for leading me to suffering. I knew I would never again swoon after a first date, or invest my heart in someone I didn’t know very very well. It was a lesson I’d experienced before, but clearly hadn’t fully learned. I’d never fallen from high enough I suppose. This time the landing broke me in exactly the way I needed to be broken.

When I hear stories now about people who “just knew” from the moment they met, I think – yeah, I knew too… But you can’t “know” from the beginning. All you know is that you like how you feel in that moment, and really that feeling is coming from inside you, not from the other person. Whether or not you continue to feel it as you get to know them more is a matter of pure luck. And once that feeling goes away, you’d better hope you know how to create it for yourself.

I’m also very pleased to say that some of the happiest couples I know DIDN’T “just know” right from the start.

I’ve now reached a point where my priority is to give myself the love I need, and I believe that the right person for me is me! Whether or not someone is walking beside me is becoming more and more irrelevant to my happiness. Sometimes, indeed, there is someone by my side. Sometimes, there is not. Either way, I’m good.

So, my Austin “soulmate”, wherever you are now…. here we are at full circle. You once played me your song about a girl you fell in love with a party…. And look, now I too have a song about a boy I fell in love with in one night… I didn’t expect him to not love me back, but I’m so thankful he didn’t. I finally learned my lesson. And what an incredible and transformational one it has been.