In Buddhism they believe in something called Bodhicitta, which is essentially the energy of compassion. The most enlightened folks are able to practice this state of caring and warmth towards all other beings all the time. For the rest of us, however, compassion sometimes takes a little practice. Even though I’m quite certain it is an innate human quality for most people, life buries us in crap at times, so we’re too busy treading water to notice what others might be going through.

As a highly sensitive soul, always attuned of the suffering of others, I’ve spent my entire life trying to figure out exactly what I’m supposed do with all those feelings. More than once I’ve given in to helping, only to end up seriously regretting it. Then there are the times I’ve been accused of having no self-respect because I’ve been so forgiving of people who my friends felt didn’t deserve my forgiveness.

In spite of this, I remain a firm believer in compassion at all times.

Just yesterday I was the receiver of some misdirected energy and a lack of compassion…

I was having a VERY hard day. I was being observed as a part of an interview process for a teaching job I really wanted. Unfortunately, this required taking a plane in some crazy weather. My flight was delayed several hours and I very nearly missed the class I had to teach. The night before, I had hardly slept due to nerves. Later that day, I had to catch another flight back home again. As soon as I boarded the plane that evening I started to fall asleep. I was absolutely wiped out. Then they announced that the flight was being canceled and we all had to get off!

So there I was, stranded in a city where I knew absolutely no one, feeling so tired I wanted to vomit, freezing cold, with no luggage and nowhere to go. Most of the accommodation was already sold out because of weather. I quickly jumped on my hotel app and booked literally the first thing I could find that wasn’t a backpackers (I was too tired for that). Unfortunately though, my credit card, which should have been stored on the app, didn’t get sent through to the apartment I’d booked. I’d also reserved an Uber, who called at the same time to tell me I was waiting in the wrong place.

I shuffled quickly through the airport to try to get to my Uber while trying to figure out why my credit card info hadn’t gone through to the hotel (I didn’t want to lose the booking.) And in that moment, two flight attendants walked past me and said “look where you’re going! …you’re supposed to look in front of you while you’re walking, not at your phone!” Now, I get it, it’s a bit annoying when people text and walk, and not something I do often. But what I needed was a hug, and someone to ask if I was ok, certainly not to be told off! Where are the free hugs folks when you need them?!

Moral of the story is – we just never know what people are really going through or what they have BEEN through. Always assume there is a reason for their behaviour, even when they may not know that reason themselves. I assumed that those ladies were probably tired too, or who knows, maybe they’d just received their own heap of misdirected bad vibes from someone else. So I didn’t take it personally. I did take it as a reminder of how deeply unconscious people can be.

Compassion is innate

The question is, once you’ve broken free from that level of unconsciousness, how can you help other people without hurting yourself?

It’s certainly not easy. Based on experience though, I’ve got a few ideas. This is what I try to do:

With strangers/homeless people on the street

I allow myself to feel sad. I also own and acknowledge that the sadness is my emotion, not theirs. I simply can’t know precisely what they feel. I cannot help but be upset by the injustices of society and our absolute failure to take care of these precious humans. However, because I truly cannot imagine what life must be like for them, and do not presume to, I’m also able to be slightly detached. I’ll put my own sadness aside for a moment and send them love and positive energy, which more often than not simply comes in the form of a smile or acknowledgement. If I feel called to give more than that I do. Occasionally money, usually food.

With acquaintances and co-workers

I put myself first. I rarely get involved in other people’s sadness or problems unless they directly ask me for help. Not because I’m not picking up on their problems or because I feel no compassion, but because I believe I am more useful to everyone when I remain unemotional. Additionally, at this stage in my life, my sense of identity isn’t rooted in being a caretaker. When you identify as a caretaker, it can lead to resentment, as people become more and more dependent on you for support. It also often serves as a distraction from looking at your own problems and issues.

What I do do with my compassion/empathy in these situations is observe and remain sharp. By not involving myself and taking nothing personally I preserve my own good energy, which is precisely what they need most. If you can offer someone a hug from a place of strength and self love, it is so powerful. Although, unconsciously, people in pain desperately want everyone to come down and meet them where they are, I think that not meeting them there helps a lot more. That said, if someone clearly needs me to listen, I will listen to every word with as much presence as I possibly can for as long as I can. I will stay focused and try to channel the words the universe wants them to hear (not necessarily what they WANT to hear). In complete presence I remain compassionate but detached, and my boundaries are clear.

With people I am attached to and love

Compassion means constant, never-ending forgiveness. I give most people the benefit of the doubt, and it’s harder to remember to do this with the people we’re closest to. We tend to think we know them better than they know themselves. It can be so easy to brush aside the feelings of our loved ones, especially when they have repeating patterns. But those who stick by us as we make the same mistakes over and over are so beloved and valuable, aren’t they?

When people do terrible things, which we all do, I remind myself that it is a reflection of their own state, not mine. I don’t delve into their suffering and feel it with them, I don’t take offence at their behaviour either. Like the ex-boyfriend who still tries to booty-call me at 3am every time he drinks. I’ve never once said “yeah! come on over!”, in fact I’ve made it blatantly clear that he should never ever do that, especially since he was the one to end the relationship and I was heartbroken. Selfish of him? Thoughtless? Inconsiderate? Yes. All those things. Still, why would I ever be upset? What’s the point? I know he’s probably lonely. I know he’s on his own path of spiritual growth and learning. I care, but it’s also not my problem. So I send him nothing but love, and keep politely saying “no thanks.”

By showing patience and compassion towards people who’ve hurt me I’ve ended up learning and understanding and growing so much more than I would have otherwise. Most people are simply not awake, and many are not even self-aware. They don’t know why they do what they do, it’s so often buried deeply in their unconscious. I know better, so I try to act better. And I believe that more and more people are arriving at the same conclusions. We can’t force other people’s expansion, only lead by example and love them in spite of everything. I’m constantly reminding myself that we were all little children once, and when people are suffering they revert to that state.

Self-preservation and compassion go hand in hand. Keeping ourselves happy is precisely what helps others. I think it’s very possible to be aware of the feelings of the people around us, and to care about them, without giving too much of ourselves. It’s all about finding that delicate balance between detachment and caring.

Patience and presence, my friends.