There is a common misapprehension regarding those of us on a vocally spiritual path. That is the perception that we will consistently be positive, self-aware and empathetic. Not only does this misplaced belief come from those around us, but also from our own egoic minds. People who consider ourselves spiritual are more likely to also self-identify as consistently good, kind or pious.

One of my biggest pet-peeves are spiritual people who are judgemental of those who have different spiritual beliefs, or none at all. Can they not see that judgement is NOT loving? Who are they to know I am not on the right path? Or worse, that I shall be condemned to eternal hellfire.

Another thing I consistently struggle with, is when people have almost too well trusted the face I present to the world, expecting I will always be able to live up to the highest possible version of myself. The expectations I feel placed upon me; to always be considerate of the sensitivities of others, and to always see the bright side of everything, can feel like an exhausting burden. Please! Can ya’ll just stop expecting me to be so nice?!

One more thing while I’m at it… Why are other people SO damn sensitive about everything? Can’t they see that nothing is ever really about them? Why have people so deeply identified with these ridiculous collective egos (nationalities, religious groups, educational institutions etc) which only ever serve to divide us and give us things to take personally?

Have I offended you? I hope so! Now, let’s examine that further…

The things that offend you are within you

All these examples I’ve given above, of the things that tend to bother me about other humans, are also things I do myself to varying degrees.

Hard to admit it, isn’t it? Hard to see it sometimes too.

I’ve had to do some very serious self examination to be able to admit that I judge people. In fact, I judge people for being judgemental! To an extent, I also expect people to be consistent. If I’ve chosen you to be in my life, it’s for the best parts of you; my patience when the ugly side of you rears its head has limits, and I may even leave the room.

I’m also hypersensitive sometimes (oh, and yes, vain too). Show me a photo you’ve taken of me and I’ll tell you how old, fat and ugly I look in it. I will point out every flaw in great detail and then take offence that you genuinely believe it’s a good photo – so, in other words, I will believe that you obviously think I ALWAYS look fat and ugly and old. Take things personally much Em?

Well, just you try dissing the beloved homeland my ego is deeply entangled with…

Go deep. What bothers you about other people? Those very same things are what Carl Jung refers to as your shadow.

Why you need to find and love your shadow

When we aren’t aware of our own darkness, it sneaks out. It appears on our faces, contrary to our thoughts. It reacts out of the blue when we “really didn’t mean to say that”, or didn’t mean to upset anyone. Jung says that we must own all the qualities of our shadow and completely accept them in order to grow in consciousness and be in control of our behaviours.

When you are aware of your shadow, your ability to genuinely empathise and listen in a non-judgemental way, or simply to be mindful, happens naturally and with ease

For example, I can philosophise and analyse my own life, problems and patterns for hours on end. In other words, I can be deeply self-absorbed. If someone tells me they want to listen when I’m in the mood for talking about my shit, I will sure as hell talk. I’ll suck your ability to patiently listen and empathise dry – well, I’ll try not to, but I might.

Now, as a result of this awareness, if you come to me and want to do the same, I’ll know exactly how you feel, what you need to hear, and I will likely never tire of listening. I very rarely think to myself  “Wow, I wish this person would shut up.” I sometimes wonder if I am undrainable.

How, you ask? I simply cannot judge you or be annoyed with you when this self absorption is also very much a part of me. And it is a part of me that I have deep compassion for. I love this part of myself. It is my inner child who felt unheard much of her childhood, so how could I be frustrated with you for being the same way?

Life gets easier

Left vs Right

When your inner-self is at war – Who am I? Cool, calm and collected zen warrior woman or tired, negative, venting lady? – it’s exhausting! When you start unapologetically owning all parts of your nature, it’s unbelievably liberating. People’s expectations of you start to become more accurate. The pressure to be consistent is relieved. Life becomes easier. And creativity flows.

That is not to say if you discover that your shadow turns out to be proudly xenophobic you should just roll with it.

It’s an opportunity to grow

How can we improve upon what we are not aware of? Oh and how fantastic our egos are at burying our darkest shit deepest down! So, going back to how self-absorbed I am for a moment… I hope that through this acceptance, and self-compassion, I will become less so. I’m working on it. And as I said, one of my greatest strengths (infinite patience with other people’s issues) is born directly out of acceptance of one of the worst parts of my own shadow.

Who are you even without your shadow?

Think about the people who are easiest to be around. Aren’t they always those who seem to feel comfortable with themselves? I suspect that is because they know and accept all parts of themselves.

People who are constantly performing and trying to stay in line with their own vision of who they want to be, rather than who they really are, feel shallow to us, and they make us feel like we can’t be fully ourselves either. Your shadow is part of you. Without it, you are missing a piece, and other people can sense it.

Spirituality makes not a perfect person

I often think, who am I to write about spirituality, let alone offer any kind of advice?! In my day-to-day life I’m quite sure my friends sometimes think the same. But that’s just the point. It’s a journey. I’m passionate about the path and the lessons, but I’m as flawed and confused as anyone.

What I can tell you is that taking the time to reflect upon all the thoughts, feelings and judgements inside you – to meditate upon them – is extremely worthwhile. Thinking about how you REALLY treat people, and not just how you wish you did, is a great start. Contemplating what things other people do that bother you is good too. Such irritations are always and only projections of your own inner darkness.

Being brutally honest with yourself means you will never again be surprised when someone flippantly comments on your intensity or vanity (yes, both have happened to me recently…). You will not react or lash out, perhaps you’ll even find it humorous. I believe the ability to laugh at everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is always the number one sign of an awakening human. Just look at people like Eckhart Tolle and Sadh Guru… those guys crack the best jokes about everything, even death!