I mean that title in the most endearing way, I swear…

I’ve been wanting to drop this truth bomb on my beloved country for sometime, but as a super polite Kiwi I simply haven’t been able to spit it out.

So let me put it this way…

To paraphrase Australian immigrant Tan Le’s beautiful TED talk: being an outsider is a gift, it gives a whole perspective on a culture that an insider cannot possibly have. Although my own life story is nowhere near as poetic or dramatic, I immediately understood what she meant when she said that being an insider (a natural-born citizen of your country) can easily mean collapsing horizons and accepting the presumptions of your province. Stepping out of your comfort zone into a new world changes everything. Staying within the confounds of a culture often means accepting commonly held beliefs that perhaps we should be questioning.

I lived far from my place of my birth for a very long time. In fact, I now tell people that I grew up in Canada. What I mean by that is – I left New Zealand at twenty-two, as sheltered and innocent as a child. Canada is where I became an adult woman. This included learning about dating and relationships. Before leaving New Zealand I’d been in one long relationship – a relationship I was essentially still too immature to know how to sanely have. I’d copied the behaviours of my only relationship model (my parents) and unrealistically expected that we’d live happily ever after just like they did.

We’d also met in the same way a very large number of Kiwis meet – as students. And how did we get together? After a few drinks and with the encouragement of our peers. Why? …Why not? He was nice to me, I guess. Lucky for me, something inside me pushed me to leave the country nearing our fourth year together. Of course, I had expected to return and marry him after a year abroad. But, surprise surprise, life’s full of surprises….

Instead, I was gifted the incredible opportunity to grow up alone, and not alongside someone I’d fallen in love with at eighteen.

Throughout my twenties I suffered from a huge lack of self-confidence. In spite of all the traveling and following of dreams, I didn’t really believe I was attractive or deserving of what I wanted. I presented with a great deal of bravado, but my closest friends and anyone who listened carefully to my woeful, maudlin songs knew better.

I got attached to every guy who gave me the time of day. I was always in love with someone, and always having my heart-broken. I didn’t know how to be with someone without needing/expecting it to last forever. At the time it never occurred to me that this could be something to do with my culture or upbringing. Most Kiwis are pretty traditional you see. Not that this is an entirely bad thing, it just didn’t serve me very well in North American dating culture. But, a wonderfully adaptable creature, I eventually learned.

Now, having stepped back into New Zealand life fifteen years later, I see how very little has changed. People actually say things like “the kind of people who use dating apps”, or “I prefer to meet people the natural way”. People still hook up drunk at parties and stay together forever. It’s sort of our own form of arranged marriage… lol

The Apps

Dating apps are synonymous with dating, and yes, they are in use here. But people use them the same way they date. In other words, a vast majority of people don’t really know how. Apps have basically just become the step before get drunk and hook-up. Dating has never been a part of NZ culture. We watch it on American tv shows all the time, so I’m really not sure why people here are so damn bad at it. I’ve actually had this very conversation with quite a few of my dates from other countries. They just can’t figure us Kiwis out! I suppose an optimistic theory could be that due to a higher level of gender equality and lack of gender-based roles no one is doing the pursuing??

I first tried online dating about 14 years ago; that’s how old it is. There were Tinder style apps on laptops long before they existed on our phones. And I had lots of fun/disasters with them all! I probably went on my first Tinder date 6 years ago (and incidentally continued dating the guy for about half a year). This is OLD technology, people. And I’m about to set the record straight on some myths for ya’ll!

Myth One: “Those Type of People”

Imagine all the people you see in your day-to-day life. At work, on the street, at the supermarket, at the gym. Imagine IT nerds, university professors, teachers, creatives, musicians, artists, engineers, construction workers, bankers. People from all over the world.

Who are the types of people using dating apps? ALL of them.

Imagine people who’ve gone through divorces, people with kids, with issues and problems; people with baggage. Imagine people who are kind and genuine and loving. Imagine adventurers and travellers. Imagine creepy weirdos. Imagine sexual explorers. Imagine traditional people looking for marriage and kids. Imagine people who are really nervous and skeptical about being on an app.

Let me say this again. Who are the people using apps? ALL types of people!

I’ve seen the full spectrum… People who openly state they’re looking for a life partner, people who openly state they’re looking for kinky sex, people who say nothing at all, people who are genuine and fun, and people who make up obvious lies.

ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE. Hundreds of thousands of them.

Got it?

Okay, I’ll give you ONE generalisation. People who use dating apps are usually comfortable with technology. There ya go.

Myth Two: Dating Apps Are Just for Hook-Ups

Let me ask you a question. Do you like sex? Do you want it? Right then… so we’ve established that most people on dating apps are looking for sex. haha…

Jokes aside…

Life isn’t so black and white though now, is it? People are looking for a very wide range of things, in addition to sex (naturally). What you have to focus on is not what THEY want but what YOU want. If you know yourself and your own desires, it’s actually not so hard to find people who match them.

Knowing yourself is usually the tricky part. As a result, a lot of what I assume are failing dating app users, write what they are looking for, rather than information about themselves. I mean, what girl would read “looking for someone who’s not crazy” and go “oooh ooh, that’s me!!”… Let’s face it, it’s a “crazy” guy who wrote that, and he’ll only be attracting to himself the exact same type of girl, if anyone at all.

If you represent yourself perfectly accurately, you won’t attract the wrong people for you. How do I know this? Because I’ve done both.

At times in my life when I was a little more lost I’ve represented myself as less sensitive than I really am. I attracted guys who were looking for some kind of super detached woman. When they realised that wasn’t me, things fell apart. I’ve also lowered my bar and gone out with people I had little in common with when I’ve been lonely. Needless to say, those dates never go beyond the first one.

When I’m genuinely strong I represent myself as both confident and sensitive. I expose my true self, and I keep my bar high. Most of the types of guys I DON’T want to date will be scared off by my reading my blog or listening to my music, so I give them access to all of it, if they want to find it. The more I share honestly, the less I risk meeting people I don’t click with. Makes sense doesn’t it? If a guy shares pictures of himself with his kids and you don’t want kids, that’s awesome! Time and effort saved. If he hides it, he wastes both of your time.

Most of the time, the kind of guys I usually match with are not so different from me. They’re intellectuals, thinkers, full of passion, they love travel and music, and if I’m lucky they even know how to be vulnerable. Oh yeah, and they’re comfortable with technology… haha. Anyway… as a result, I’ve had some wonderful experiences, including meaningful relationships AND friendships!

Myth Three: Everyone Lies and the Apps Are Full Of Scam Artists

Let me ask you… Ever met someone who got conned out of money or lied to and cheated on in their relationship? Maybe it even happened to you.

How did they meet? Probably not on an app, right?

The WORLD is full of lying scumbag con artists. Dating apps are too.

The exact same instincts that protect you from these people in real life can protect you online.

If someone seems too good to be true, they probably are. If you met them in real life, you’d be no better off. In fact, the advantage of apps is that you can google them. By taking a screenshot of a guy’s photo, and uploading it to google images you can immediately reveal anyone who seems like a fake. If it looks like a picture of a model, it’s probably a picture of a model. Check it. I also frequently verify identities through Facebook and Instagram. If someone seems to be hiding things, they may well be hiding things (girlfriends/wives).

I’m comfortable with technology, it takes me about 30 seconds to identify fakers and weirdos. At which point I always report them…

And as I’ve said, if you represent yourself accurately you are far less likely to match with these dudes anyway. Put up six pics of yourself in a bikini/six pics of your abs, as if you’re a one-dimensional being, swipe right on nothing but folks who look like underwear models… well… yeah, you get it.

This may sound complicated but it really isn’t at all. No more complicated that meeting someone at your local tennis court. How are you to know that he’s actually married with kids, or she took her ex for everything she had?

Sometimes you’ll just get it wrong. The beauty of the dating app world is that you’ve got A LOT more chances of also getting it right!

Myth Four: It Wastes Too Much Time

This one, for me is laughable. App dating is insanely efficient if you do it well:

Represent yourself accurately. Be as picky as your gut tells you to be. Have a quick chat to use your instincts to scan for any points of major difference then meet in person. Think of it as meeting someone in line at the super market. “Hey, that Sunfed Chickenfree-Chicken stuff is awesome, isn’t it?!” “Oh really, it’s my first time trying it…” Two minutes later… “Here’s my number if you ever want to get coffee.” Not that this sort of thing happens in NZ, but in countries where people know how to date it does.

You don’t need to spend ages on a date with someone. An hour is more than enough to know if you are interested in spending another hour with them.

Doesn’t that all sound at least a little bit more time efficient than hoping that the one semi-attractive guy/girl in your gym/office might be single/heterosexual/homosexual and might one day talk to you and that you might both end up liking each other. Who knows, it might not take years to happen… I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Don’t forget, if you do want to keep meeting people out there in the real world, nothing is stopping you! Why not do both?!

One of my best dates started with a walk on the beach, which turned into a drink, which turned into dinner, which turned into two days straight together, which turned into a few months living in each others pockets until the adorable bugger sadly left the country. During phase two of our four-phase first date we talked about how much we loved Tinder. Why? Because we are both a bit introverted. Neither of us find it easy to meet people in the real world, especially not in big group situations. For us, meeting on an app was effortless and perfect. To this day, he’s one of my favourite people. Efficient and meaningful. Amen.

As a bonus, dating apps are fantastic when you travel. It’s an easy, fun way to find people to do things with. I usually just post that I’m looking for people to see music with. I went to one of the most awesome jazz clubs in Austin with a with a gorgeous Texan thanks to Bumble.

Dating is not supposed to be about meeting your soul mate every time. It’s about meeting lots of different people in order to figure out who is right for you. By choosing the wrong ones you figure out what you don’t like. You learn which values are really most important to you. You learn more about yourself. The more you know yourself, the more likely you are to end up with someone really, truly right for you. You improve your self-confidence, you learn resilience and how to take rejection, you learn how to make conversation with a stranger.

I’ve got nothing against marrying young and growing together. I think it’s absolutely beautiful when people make it work. But it wouldn’t have worked for me. I would have grown into some strange mutation growing out of the side of my partner’s body instead of the independent, free-thinker I am now. I was too easily influenced when I was younger. And a lot of people understandably don’t make it work. They end up divorced and trying to figure out who they are and how to meet someone new in their late thirties or older. My suggestion – date your sexy little asses off people!

If I can do it, so can you!

That said, if you want to chill by yourself a while, solitude and self-love are deeply valuable too 🙂

What a relief to finally get that off my chest. Peace NZ. Love you heaps xx

For more insights into app dating, check out this show 😉