We’ve all got different ways of coping with ageing. Some brave lassies face it head on and own that shit. I fall into the category of denial. I do everything I can to remain ageless. If not only for the pure amusement of my own personal social experimentation… But I digress.
What we can all agree on is that ageing is far more difficult for women, right?
… Right… ???
Or not. Just yesterday I had a 33-year-old guy try to empathise with me by telling me how his hair is greying. This same guy had but ten minutes earlier politely demanded to know my precise age. This guy was someone I met on Tinder. One of the first things he’d said to me upon matching was how all the women on the app lie about their ages. That and saturating their photos with filters, or posting really old pics.
Guilty! Well at least of two of those “crimes”. I’ve been cat-fished myself by guys who’ve posted ten-year-old photos of themselves, so I know quite well how important it is to present yourself as accurately as possible. Thus, I never use old photos. I also never heavily filter, only slight edits to present myself as if I’m always photographed at golden hour…. haha…
Perhaps what he should have been asking was not how old I was, but rather….
Why we lie
Let me preface this with what I expect from any guy I date. I expect him to have noticed that life is not the same for women as it is for men. Not that men all have easy-breezy lives, but that women have some challenges that men do not. Heavy judgement for the completely natural process of ageing being one of them. Thus, I expect empathy and understanding about why I lie.
- So, first of all, I lie because dating apps force me to state an age. Yes, I blame the apps. I firmly believe women should not be expected to publicly share this information. A simple age range would suffice, or just let the guys search for us in a range rather than giving them our most private information before we’ve even met. Why do I consider it private information? Well, because women are too heavily judged based on our age. Have I said that already? And at my particular age, I quite literally mean just the number, not my physical appearance. I know this because in my real life no one knows my age, and I am consequently not “filtered out” by anyone. And hey, if this seems unfair to the guys, let them remove their ages too, I don’t care. What I want to know is not their age, but what they want out of life and from me. Compatibility is what counts.
- Out in the real world asking a woman her age is still very much taboo. But online it’s front and centre. As if age somehow tells a person everything they need to know.
- For me, my age is a very poor representation of where I’m at in my life. My lifestyle is far more in line with that of my friends who are mostly ten years younger than me. Aside from the very VERY few guys my own age who are equally as baggage free, I rarely even have any contact with men my age or older. We’re simply not at the same stage in our lives. I’ve been floating around the planet experiencing things while they were building careers and families. I like to travel and go dancing and see live music and meet new people. I’m a free-flowing artist. Certainly plenty of folks over forty are as youthful and fun-loving as I am, but most simply don’t have the freedom to live that way anymore. They have kids and mortgages and priorities that I do not. For me, dating someone my own age would quite possibly pose some serious challenges and changes that I’m not sure I’m willing to undertake yet. So very often I date younger men simply because we’re more compatible. But unfortunately, it’s also possible that guys who are best suited to me will never even encounter me in the virtual world because of my number.
- Lying means more options. I lie about my age a very small amount. I push myself to under 40 because I’m well aware that that is a number men commonly set their age range limits to. Actually, over the years, I’ve experienced fewer and fewer options… even in my thirties. I’ve never had my real age on tinder and I’ve been using it on and off since it was first created. 37 is the age at which I suddenly started being shown the same one-hundred guys over and over. Now, at “39” I can actually run out of men before I’ve even swiped right once. At 35 I could basically have had a haram if I wanted one, yet really the only difference between me now and then is that now I’m a bit wiser (I pretty much look the same… yes, I’m sure of it since I still get asked for ID). The crazy part is, I’ve read women complaining about this at 30!
- The world is ageist and sexist.
-> Check out the Guerrilla Girls!
Don’t guys notice you’ve lied when they meet you?
Short answer: No. I lie ethically.
What the heck is an ethical lie?
- Don’t make it a big lie
Never once have I had anyone look surprised by the way I look in real life, nor have they ever not wanted a second date. I only lie by a small amount and I usually only do so for a short time. Lying by more than two or three years definitely puts you at risk for having someone notice that you don’t look your age. I know from experience that it’s pretty shitty to meet someone who looks ten years older than any of their pictures. And it’s largely the deception that makes them so unattractive.
- Be honest about your lie
Sometimes I’ll even mention that I have lied about my age before meeting in person. I basically only lie to get my foot in the door; to not be filtered out by deeply ingrained prejudices. Soon after matching I’ll usually reveal that I’ve lied about my age but that I’m not comfortable sharing what it actually is. A few people, if I really trust them and I feel they need to know it in order to trust me, I’ll tell the full truth relatively quickly. Some people, who clearly don’t give a shit and just like me for who I am, never find out my age and never ask. Those are usually the ones that I like the best!
- Don’t let anyone think you are of childbearing age when you’re not
I make it clear that I’m not interested in having kids. I completely agree that it’s unfair to lie to someone about your age who might be trying to find the future mother of his children.
If you lie about this then you must lie about other things…
What can I say? It’s just wrong. And any intelligent man who understands women will get it. We’ve been forced by an app to share information we are not comfortable sharing; and that no one has any right to ask for. Period.
But younger men love older women and if you lie you’re missing out on those guys!
I’ve also heard this one. “Oh, but Emily, it’s so hot that you’re older than me!”
Eye rolllllll. Yes, but it’s not hot that you’re younger than me and think it’s hot that I’m older than you. It probably means I’ll have to deal with your immaturity, lack of experience and fetishisation of me. Has anyone considered this from the female perspective? What if I don’t want to be seen as your hot, experienced older woman? What if I just want to be seen as an equal? My best relationships always start feeling that the guy doesn’t care or notice how old I am. Granted, those have often started in the real world, not online.
Let’s make this clear – the number itself isn’t a part of sexual attractiveness, but the wisdom that can come with that number definitely should be. I love nothing more than men who find me attractive for my life experience and my brain. But for my sexual experience alone, and a good story to tell their mates? Yawn… could there be anything more cliché?
What about the older guys?
My personal filter range DOES include men older than me. However, in the past two years I’ve only matched with about three. Why? Because I’m ageist too? Possibly….? But I suspect it is mainly that we have little-to-nothing in common. I don’t have kids, don’t want kids, and I mostly listen to music released in the past five years. Self confessed music snob here… Even some of the guys ten years younger than me are stuck in the nineties…. Hmmm…. what???
What I’ve heard from other women, however, is that these older guys are looking for younger women anyway. In fact, I’m quite sure I’m “too old” for plenty of the men ten years older than me. Pretty sure I swiped right on more than three of them. Shall I say it again? Society is ageist and sexist. The one guy in his forties I’ve genuinely been interested in, btw, spent months of my time casually chatting and never had any time to meet face-to-face. I can only assume because of the much younger women clambering all over him? (btw – I’m talking about his kids)
In conclusion
The brilliant Hannah Gadsby, in her Netflix comedy special Nanette, tells a story of how Picasso at 45 had an affair with a 17-year-old and claimed that it had been perfect as they were both in their primes. Hannah said that she probably read that story when she was about 17… and how depressing is it as a 17-year-old girl, lost and awkward, to think that that could be your prime??! No future ahead. Forty-something Hannah then said “A 17-year-old girl is just never, ever, ever in her prime! Ever! I am in my prime! Would you test your strength out on me? There is no way anyone would dare… test their strength out on me, because you all know… there is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself.”
Not everyone matures as they age. Not everyone becomes wiser. But those of us who do are precious. We make the best partners and the best friends. And the only guys I’m interested in are the ones who really get that, and who are equally as wise.
So until the whole of society gets it, I’ll be continuing to lie as much as I god damn please. Feel free to join me! Thank you very much.
I loved this! Nice to know there are other women that have put some serious thought into the annoying direct age question on apps.
Thanks Aiesha! Solidarity! And the good news is… I did eventually meet a great guy. When I told him I was older than my profile had said his instant response was “who cares” and he wasn’t even interested in hearing it. Of course he knows now – and it remains a non issue. 🙂
I am a 22 year old male that perfers older women but it isn’t because they are so hot nonsense like you say. It is because well they tend to be more secure in who they are mentally mature and experienced and are thoughtful smart people like you, lol. I have hit it off with a few woment 5-10 years older than me over the years but once they find out my age it becomes a problem with them or thire family in one case. But I would say ya most men are unfair and shallow about just looking at a number like that. Also great read!
Lying about your age, height, level of fitness, etc is an attempt to control other people. It just makes you look insecure and as you can imagine, trying to control people never ends well. I’d swipe left if I thought you were lying on your profile.
I have to lie about my age. If I say my real age – no one believes me. Everyone thinks I’m at least 12 years younger than I am.
Thanks Emily. This was a really comforting read…and you’d be surprised at how much of this was relatable to me as an active and physically fit male in my 40s.
I’ve taken four years off my actual age to come in under one of those arbitrary age ranges used in searches, but have had mixed feelings about it due it commonly being seen as a red flag in dating circles. I just hope my matches have the empathy and common sense you do. The setting of an age range on a given profile, rather than a specific number would work wonders for anxieties across the board. Great idea.