As I sat in my car last weekend about to take off to see my amazing partner (let’s call him AP), who currently lives an-hour-and-a-half away, he texted to say he had too much going on to be able to spend quality time with me. He thought it was not worth the three hours of driving. My heart sank and my gut roared.

Surely if he loved me, it wouldn’t matter that he’s busy, why wouldn’t he want me to tag along on his chores with him? What a selfish… grrrh…

Then I quickly realised my gut and heart had forgotten who I was with. In that moment, he wasn’t the sweet, affectionate man I’d just spent the previous weekend being adored by – a man who tells me I look beautiful almost every time I walk into the room, who runs off the field to kiss me while his teammates high-five each other. The man who unconditionally supports me and is so proud of me. Who in two years has never failed to almost immediately text back. Who listens, is patient, generous, wise and trustworthy. No, in that moment he was every guy who’d ever come before him.

I am the first to admit those relationships left me with a couple of truckloads of baggage. I am also clear that they weren’t entirely bad people, but they were bad boyfriends. At least to me. You know the ones – the ghosters, gas-lighters and game players. One of the games most familiar to me is the intermittent reinforcement rollercoaster…. weeeeeeeee! That’s when they act like you don’t mean a thing, then shower you in love when they realise that you might be slipping away.

I rode that particular ride for three years once. I could survive for month on the crumbs of an “lol. cool.” But somehow, he always knew when I was moving on. I’d just start dating someone else and he’d reappear like Spiderman home from a secret mission. Intermittent reinforcement is highly addictive. Which is also why so many of us put up with that shit for so long.

So when AP didn’t desperately want me around that day, I felt the ache of the hot/cold rollercoaster. One week he loves me, the next he doesn’t. Hold on tight….!

But, thankfully, I’ve grown.

My entire life, friends and acquaintances have been saying the same things to me: You’re too superficial. Stop going for looks and just go out with someone who is nice to you. You deserve better. To which I would respond “But they are nice to me! At least at the start. So how am I supposed to know?!” In spite of my defensiveness, I believed deep down that my friends were right. I felt it was my own fault I always went for non-committal “bad boys”. I hypothesised that perhaps I didn’t love myself enough and that they were all I felt I deserved. But, also, I felt that I did love myself. In fact, what I most often felt ragey about was that they never seemed to love me as much as I loved me (or them for that matter).

A few years ago when I first met AP, I went to see a psychotherapist. I was terrified that my new boyfriend was going to inevitably end up down the toilet with all the rest. I recognised my patterns reoccurring.

The lovely therapist said something revolutionary to me: Emily, there is nothing wrong with you. You have lived an unconventional, adventurous life so you tend to run in circles with similar types of people. You’re just drawn to men who are like you are. They are transient, independent, free-spirited and maybe you just LIKE that.

Head explodes.

Okay, so that didn’t exactly justify shitty texting habits or womanising ways, but it DID let me off the hook. I wasn’t just superficial and choosing bad men because I was somehow broken. I was choosing men who, like me, lived their lives their own way, true to themselves. They were not conventional or traditional. Which, who knows, potentially upped the odds of them also acting like flakey jerks?

And guess what? AP isn’t conventional or traditional either. He’s a guy who slept on a park bench in NYC for fun once. He’s also a guy who left his girlfriend in Mexico to go live in France for a while. He’s a guy who wasn’t really looking for a girlfriend when we met because he’s independent, self-sufficient and focused on his personal goals. And surprise, surprise, I like him exactly like that! Plus, did I mention, he’s very good at responding to texts?

Through trial and error with the “bad boys” I’ve come to realise the things I need: Reliable, effective communication; quality time together; and to feel secure. There has never been a single moment I have doubted AP’s loyalty to me. His life is centred around working hard, family, friends and sport, not the adulation of women, or rock n’ roll. He was already entirely whole and full of love when I met him. He needs nothing from me other than to allow him to continue to be himself. And in return, I get to be myself. No jealousy, no drama. Peace, calm, easiness and an almost constant, balanced exchange of love, support and respect.

There is plenty of messaging out there telling women to go get what they are worth and not to undervalue themselves. While I do concur, I would add – figure out what YOU actually want first. We are conditioned to believe that we should all want the same thing – the house with the picket fence and the two kids, or to be immediately swept off our feet and moving in together next week. Women are told that we are the prize to be won, the object to possess. But I don’t need to be possessed to know my worth. It has been a journey, but know it now. So the only question left is – is he is worthy of me?

I have never wanted a diamond ring or a wedding. I can’t get past all the things that that money could do for people who need it more than I do. I can’t get past cruelty, inequality, exploitation and environmental issues. I have thought deeply about the environmental impact of having children. I’m not status quo, and nor is my dearest AP.

So I want, and have always wanted, to be with someone who allows me to live life my own way and who respects and admires me for that. I don’t want to mindlessly conform. I want to muse and meditate, incite change, move people, express myself. It’s not easy to find a partner who will let you do that. But it is possible when you stay open and are clear on what you are looking for.

They say you should always start your search for love by looking inward. It’s true. And might I add – when you truly love yourself, sometimes it’s a bit harder to achieve “snap!” … Now, that’s a fun game!

So-called bad boys have provided me with years of torturous inspiration and personal growth. And thanks to them I have infinite appreciation for the amazing guy who blesses me with his existence every day… including his unique and rebel heart.