Although it is fairly common for people to build emotional forts and elaborate paths in order to avoid the slightest rejection or criticism, it’s pretty hard to be alive without facing at least the occasional jab to the heart (aka ego). Personally, I’d go as far as to say, if you’re not getting regularly emotionally maimed (at least a little bit), you might even be missing out on some really great life stuff.

As a creative, I’m way down the other end of the spectrum. Rejection and criticism have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve spent years working on creative projects that no one has ultimately listened to. I’ve written pieces that no one has read. During my time in a band, someone wrote a scathing review on a music blog attacking me both personally and as a songwriter/musician (he was a musician I’d previously been acquainted with.)

Time after time I played shows to empty rooms. I listened to the criticism from industry professionals who told me I wasn’t a good enough singer to get anywhere. And now, I’m regularly evaluated as a teacher by my students and my managers. The students who come to my school pay exorbitant amounts of money for their classes, and the pressure and expectations are extremely high.

To top it all off, there is no reprieve in my personal life, because I date. And when you date a lot, you get rejected, to varying degrees, A LOT. So in a period of 24 hours, if I’m extra super lucky, I can be experiencing rejection on three different levels at the same time.

I wish I could say I always handle it graciously and with maturity, but that most certainly is not true. That said, although life certainly feels a bit easier when at least one area of my life is going smoothly, I wouldn’t change a thing. And I’m so grateful that I haven’t been traumatised into hiding… yet… haha

On reacting like a baby…

 

Oops, I did it again. Didn’t we all? Unless you are some sort of zen monk you probably don’t handle rejection especially well. The other day, I was confronted with my first bad class-evaluation in years. And by bad, I mean, I got rated at an average of 80% instead of the 90% that is expected of me. My reaction was anger and blame. I wanted to know which vindictive little asshole took the time to intentionally damage my reputation. Of course, in a professional situation, all I could do was unfairly vent to my coworkers then go home and lie awake questioning whether or not I’d really been below my usual standard of teaching? Maybe so… Then the blame turned inward… I began to question whether or not I even wanted to be a teacher at all…. I mean, I WAS tired, I needed a break…. maybe it was just becoming obvious to everyone?

This is all very much in line with the same way I react when someone rejects my music, or when a guy breaks up with me. First I blame them (or make excuses for why they don’t get it/me), then I blame myself. All of which gets either processed internally or vented in one way or another. None of which is actually particularly helpful to anyone.

Somehow I’m guessing I’m not alone here though, right?

Here’s the important part:

Forgiveness

Forgive yourself for your reaction. You took a risk and that’s awesome. You shared yourself, or something that mattered to you. Taking risks and being open is a huge part of living a meaningful life. Being rejected hurts. If you can’t admit that to yourself, you can’t let out the pain, and you may well shove it all down until you’ve eventually collected 50 odd years of little shards of glass digging away at your insides. And beating yourself up for reacting is only adding an extra layer of suffering to your suffering.

Forgive the other person too. They didn’t choose to feel what they felt. They probably didn’t intend to hurt you at all. Hell, maybe they were just doing their job. Maybe they were having a bad day and redirecting their own suffering. Maybe they’ve got 50 little shards of proverbial glass digging away at their insides… Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. But being angry at them for more than a brief moment will quite literally only prolong YOUR suffering, and likely won’t affect them at all.

On coping with the pain..

Ride the waves

The first thing I always tell myself when I’m in pain, whether emotional or physical, is that it’s okay to be in pain. Just that in itself helps immensely. Resisting or fighting against the suffering inevitably makes it far worse. Rather than avoiding it, go towards it. Feel it fully. Cry, or write things down, or go for an angry run. Whatever you need to do to feel and release. Usually better not to do this around other people…

So, find a quiet place and ask yourself: Is it true? Is there something for me to learn here? Does it ultimately matter in the big scheme of things? After honestly assessing those questions, it’s so important to then DROP IT. The risk with going inward is allowing your thoughts to negatively snowball or fall into a feedback loop from hell. So just cut yourself off. You’ve given the matter your attention, you’ve felt bad, you’ve let it out, now forget about it.

Remind yourself of all the things you love about yourself; the things you’re great at. Remind yourself of the things other people love and appreciate about you. Go do something else and forget it ever happened. This is resilience. I may not be a master at controlling my reactions, but resilience I’ve got DOWN. If I’d quit doing everything people have been hard on me for, I wouldn’t sing, I wouldn’t play music, I wouldn’t study, I wouldn’t cook, I wouldn’t talk to people, I definitely wouldn’t date, and I wouldn’t be a teacher. And if I hadn’t let any of it go I’d be permanently emotionally crippled. I would probably have to dig myself a hole and go live in it until I eventually biodegraded.

Why you NEED to be rejected…

Just a reminder…

A life without rejection is a life without risk. And a life without risk is a life unlived. My worst fear is to reach my death feeling that there is anything I didn’t do because I was afraid to. Can you imagine anything worse than lying on your deathbed thinking “I wish I had… “? Whatever your dream is, not even trying is far more painful than trying and failing. It is this effort and consequential suffering that gives our lives a sense of purpose. And the occasional resulting accomplishments bring us so much joy.

A life without taking risks, although you may avoid the pain of rejection, is in fact, a life of constant low-level anxiety. The anxiety arises because you know deep down that you are not following your calling, or living up to your own potential, or even trying to. The suffering that comes with rejection is a sign that you are alive and doing it! Eureka!

Rejection and criticism also help us to grow. This one we hear all the time, don’t we? Our work-places love to tell us all the benefits of criticism; if you don’t perceive it as rejection that is. Anyhow, whether or not criticism is helpful and we learn from it, the resilience we hopefully build through facing it enables us to keep going. And keeping on going is the key to getting better at things.

I used to be a terrible writer. Although I’ve always had a “voice”, my grammar and punctuation were appalling. I cringe when I read things I wrote only ten years ago. Now I actually teach that shit! I can’t overstate the value of simply not quitting. But to not quit, you first have to try – and when you try, you’ll face rejection.

On a deeper level, rejection is only ever of the ego. No one can reject who you really are. Your true, deep self, the one which is intertwined with all of life and universal consciousness, can’t be touched. And the more the ego is broken down by that criticism, the less you feel it or care. If you have found that place of inner knowing and oneness, you are untouchable. We sometimes see this as people near the end of their time in their physical forms. Those who have lived long, hard lives of suffering – very little can bruise their egos. They don’t care if you don’t want to be friends with them, or what you think about them. Why would they? They are at peace.

I sincerely hope I will reach that place in time, and I look forward to finally exiting my “terrible twos”. I hope you do too!

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