I saw yet another article today justifying and defending why certain women over forty are still single. This particular one preached the we’re fierce, we know what we want and we’re not going to put up with your shit angle. Naturally, it was trending on Facebook due to all the men responding with tales of dating so-called nut-job, withered-up, demanding older ladies.

These articles are essentially written to defend against a societal stereotype that single women, over thirty really, must somehow be deeply flawed. However, I’m quite certain that for every baggage-laden, lonely, single lady is an equally scarred and lonely, married one. And the same holds true of men. A person’s emotional/spiritual stage in life is completely unrelated to whether or not they are single or partnered. Furthermore, sooooo many articles, like How to get a guy to commit, or Why you’re not married yet, are based on two assumptions: one – that everyone wants to be coupled up and makin’ babies (especially women); two – if you aren’t in a relationship, or don’t want to be in one, there must be some fundamental problem with you.

We humans love to put each other into easily digested little boxes in attempts to make sense of one-another. But as far as I can see, at least as to why people are single over thirty or forty, or fifty – it’s a totally random mixed-bag. We live in an age where, in most developed countries, women have a choice – we don’t need to get married to survive. Sometimes I think perhaps society just hasn’t quite caught up to the fact.

As someone who has had to question many times whether or not there is genuinely something wrong with me (I say had to because people in my life/world in general force me to think about it) I think I’m probably reasonably qualified to comment on this topic. So here’s the first thing I’ve noticed that people tend to forget:

Single is not a perpetual state of being, nor a part of anyone’s deeper identity.

Over the course of my life I’ve had two long serious relationships (five years living together), two semi-long relationships (one year each – not living together) and frankly, multitudes of short-term relationships somewhere between one to eight months. Every single one of them, I hoped at the beginning was going to last. Every single guy, I loved to a certain degree or in a particular way.  The majority of these relationships were perfectly happy and what I would define as successful, even though they ended.

The definition of a successful/good relationship isn’t necessarily one that lasts forever.

So why did they end? Countless reasons obviously. I was too young, he was too emotionally unavailable, we wanted different things, we moved to different countries, other people, timing, timing, timing. Sure, a couple of my relationships ended with guys hurling insults at me about how broken and fucked-up I am.  I later came to understand, as did they, that it was largely projection of their own suffering and issues. Not to say I’m a perfect human in any way, but who can claim such a thing? And anyway, are we therefore implying that all married people are perfect models of psychological health?

Most of my relationships have ended with kind words and respect. What else can you do? These are other people’s feelings and no matter how hard you try, you can’t change them. Did I momentarily question to the point of temporary insanity WHY it didn’t work and blame myself to no end? Absolutely. I’ve written quite a few songs in such a state. But then, inevitably, I bounced right back. Resilience and personal growth are the marvellous and hard-won rewards of break-ups.

While we’re on the topic… if we’re going to accuse single ladies of being picky…

I can’t tell you how many men over thirty I’ve dated who were looking for miss perfect/the one.

I mean unrealistically, supermodel who thinks like a man – PERFECT. The media and society seem to talk a lot about women who end up alone long past their childbearing years due to no one being juuuuust right. In my experience quite a few men have been exactly this way too. Many of those who make it past thirty still jumping from woman to woman are on some sort of quest for the magical “one”. Having been 100% certain I’d met such a person twice in my life, both times ending not at all the way I expected, I’m not a believer, and not on a quest. And I can tell you, accepting this as a reason for breaking up with me has become a hard pill to swallow.

I believe we are capable of loving an endless number of people, and that whether or not you decide to stay together comes down to compatibility in a lot of practical areas, such as life goals and timing. “Love is practical” says the cynical but sometimes wise Alain de Botton. And the person you think is so perfect at the beginning of your relationship is inevitably NEVER going to be the same person you eventually discover them to be, or that they grow into. Thus, it basically all boils down to luck/ the sheer will to stay together.

I’m not going to say it has been easy to have loved and said goodbye to multiple men. However, I can say that I now know how to work through and process my emotions quite efficiently. I’ve had to let go of things and people I never believed I could. I’ve also had long, deep, honest discussions with most of the men I’ve dated about why it didn’t/couldn’t work out – not to mention stayed friends with most of them. I feel I’m actually a lot better off for having had all these experiences. They’ve taught me so much. I know myself inside-out, and I know the qualities in the men I’m more suited to being with as well.

The experience of being a female bachelor, for at least a third of my adult life, has been equally as rewarding as the times I’ve been in relationships. Not to mention the miraculous growth that simply comes with solitude and knowing how to be happy alone.

Ultimately, the main thing I have concluded, at least about why I am currently single, is that I’m not very traditional. Marriage and kids have never been a priority for me.  It wasn’t in my life plans. I’m, frankly, indifferent to it. And the older I get the more complete and content I feel within myself anyway. A quality I believe everyone should be striving for. No relationship lasts forever as the soul’s journey is a solo one.

At the end of the day, contrary to popular opinion, I’m quite confident that a great number of single women are not picky, commitment-phobics, or terrified of being vulnerable. They’re not insecure, or needy, or difficult, or only attracted to bad boys. They’re probably just going with the flow, living life, relaxed and open, and they know how to be happy alone. Personally, I feel blessed and grateful to live in a time when we have the choice to be alone rather than forced to be with the wrong person.

Some people marry because they are seeking to fill an emptiness inside and are afraid of being alone, some people end up perpetually single for the same exact reason. Some people are well-adjusted and happily married, others are well-adjusted and happily single. It all comes down to how we feel about ourselves. The relationship with yourself is where it’s really at. So why aren’t there more articles on how to fall in love with yourself trending?!

Now, can the constant analysis of, and assumptions about, the poor currently single people please end? Time to talk about something more important.

The brilliant Ms Julia Stone gets it…